Tales from the Crypt S1E5
"Lover Come Hack to Me"
Spanking new newlyweds are seen exiting the Justice of the Peace followed by a very skeptical Edith, a family member of the bride. It becomes apparent that the more she expresses concern, the more the bride pulls away from her requesting Aunt Edith not to spoil her big day. As the bride takes her seat in the passenger seat of the car idling by, Aunt Edith gets a chance to confront the new husband. She's accusing him on only marrying her for her money. He blatantly says "Who wouldn't?!" Paraphrasing but yes, he pulls the classic uno reverse card saying she was the one leeching off of HER and it's high time she's gone...from the house at least. He gave her an unofficial notice to vacate the very house she's lived in for decades. So yeah, he's coming off as such a scumbag. Away they drive off, regardless. (I totally thought it was Anita upon first hearing it lol)
So here they are driving in the middle of the night and it's raining hella cats and dogs. It's ruff. To the newly husband's discontent, there is a blockage on the road. A stupid tree that fell down by the storm. The car keys goes missing so now they definitely can no longer drive. Fizzucked. However, he does see that off in the distance is an old mansion. So off they run into the night for some refuge.
He tries banging on the door hoping someone will answer but only silence answers back. He snaps at his wife and when she says she's scared "PEGGY YOU'RE ALWAYS SCARED!!" She luckily finds a space key nearby so they just let themselves in. She timidly requests that he carry him over the threshold like a little fairytale. This dude literally loosing patience of her very existence obliges.
They both notice that this house looks totally uninhabited and hasn't been for a long time. They make themselves comfortable anyway. Light the fireplace and everything. The moment they step in, he cracks a joke about a battle ax that is seen hanging over the fireplace but moves on to the next room.
He then tells her to take off her clothes! If she had pearls she'd clutch them.Well, I never! He replies, because we were just caught in the rain, dur. She's obviously a very squeamish and shy individual but she eventually complies but has a robe.
When they are both back in the front room Peggy goes "At least we got each other, right?"
"Yeah...right." in the most sarcastic and monotone voice ever the husband replies.
"So you are not attracted to me. My aunt was right. You did marry me for my money."
Realizing he dun goofed he puts back on his facade and does damage control and gets all lovey dovey with her with an impromptu love making on the couch. She abruptly cuts it off as she would rather save her first time on an actual bed.
They trollop up the stairs and find a beautiful room and looks freshly made. All pristine and shit. And then they finally get down to buisnesssssssssss.
While Peggy is getting freshened up. His facade falls back down and murmurs to himself and as if we haven't pieced it together already that no shit, Aunt Edith was right about him only marrying her for her money.
Peggy gets all perked up and comes out in full on makeup and racy lingerie which catches husband off guard since she kinda always dressed modestly and is hella reserved. And they DO IT. He's like "You really are a virgin...good." A little creepy but ok.
So after they're lovemaking. While still in bed, she's like "We just made a baby and it's this big." Motioning her pointer finger and thumb to barely an inch. And they fall asleep. At least he does.
He wakes up shortly later and hears a car door close. WTF so he goes to the window and sees Peggy hugging and kissing another man just outside the doorway. Double WTF. After the 2 people prance inside, husband peeks closely behind and sees them fuck on the very couch in front of the fireplace and that Peggy refused to with him.
Confused as fuck he excuses himself to another room asking himself why the shit did she even marry him but hey that doesn't matter. The marriage certificate matters so his sadness is short lived and he is now determined that he will take her for all that she's got in the impending divorce. Annulment? idk they didn't seem married that long anyway.
He peeks back to the lovers where the dude is fast asleep. Peggy pulls the same "We made a baby" shit back to him. However, here drops the kicker, she says, "I think I'll call her Peggy." And she takes the ax that was hanging on the wall earlier and then slaughters him to bits. Husband lunges at her but to this shock and horror, it turns out that they are both ghosts and this is a ghostly residual reenactment haunting. He pieces together that Peggy's dad died before she was born and that's what he just witnessed. His mind is spinning like whoaaaaaa.
BAM he wakes up and it was all a dream. Phew!
His wife, Peggy is at his bedside and it's now the morning and it appears he had some kind of nightmare so she asks what he was dreaming about, as she is walking towards the bathroom. For some ungodly reason, he speaks truth and told her he had a dream about her parents.
She quickly replies back that it was no damn dream. It IS REAL! She takes the ax and walks slowly towards him. She says they have the perfect love and wants to preserve it FOREVER!!
Unintentionally funny but this is where he exclaims "No, our love isn't perfect! I really did marry you for your money! You see, here's the gun that I was planning to murder you with on our honeymoon last night and I was going to stage it like a burglary!! I swear!"
Peggy replies that this only further proves his love because he infact did not go through with the murder which means that after their little lovemaking, he really did love her and wussied out of the plan. And plop goes the ax and he is murtered. Sucks to be you, Fabio.
The ending scene was Peggy joining a happy Aunt Edith asking how her honeymoon went. She's like "WONDERFUL! I am no preggo with a baby girl yay." And they walk off camera concluding this crazy ass episode.
What a ride, huh?
The season 1 finale: Episode 6 is next